An open letter to DMP

Dearest DMP,

In this tough economy, I understand that it is difficult to find a job and that you are having a tough time filling all of the time you have on your hands.  I suggest you take up a hobby for which you are fantastically suited for and that utilizes the talent you posess that all of the brothers-in-law are jealous of- your ability to grow lots and lots of facial hair.

You see, today it has come to my attention that there are beard clubs (they let people with moustaches in too!) and, best of all, a World Beard and Moustache Competition!  I suggest you consider the following categories:

Imperial:

The Styled Moustache:

I really think you have a chance. Particularly I think you could have an edge by utilizing actual pictures of some spectacular moustaches from the past.  Personally, I think you could take some tips from the distinguished facial hair of my forefathers.  For instance, you could go with a well-groomed distinguished moustache like a young Henry Clegg Jr:

I'm also a fan of the flowing goatee sported by Fredrick Lewis (Henry Clegg's wife Ann Lewis' father, BTW):

Of course, the best ancestral beard has to be Joseph S. Murdock, sporting the "natural":

Just a thought. Or, you know, you could look into taking up another hobby, like collecting bottle caps.

Love,

Mak