Ask the Missionaries! They Can Help You (do grody things!)

So, one cold morning last week (the morning after Cyndi arrived, incidentally) I went to take out the garbage and recycling and discovered a dead, squashed rodent near the garage door opening. It was positioned so that I would squish it entering and leaving the garage (which is likely how it got squashed in the first place).

I couldn't leave it there until DMP got home, because that would mean that it would be totally squished into oblivion as we entered and left the garage. It had to be moved.  So, naturally, I did what any good wife would do and called DMP and insisted that he come home and take care of it.  He works in downtown Dallas and it is a long drive and he had a lot of work. He told me "I would totally come and take care of it if I wasn't so far away, but I can't."  Great. I decided I needed to put on my big girl panties and just move it myself...

So, I steeled myself, got the shovel and proceeded to try to pick it up.  Then, I squicked out and squealed and jumped around like a little girl. It was SOFT y'all! It would require SCRAPING! I took a deep breath, talked myself up like a super-bowl coach at halftime and tried again.  More squealing and loud declarations that there was no way on this good green earth that I was going to be able to do this.  Apparently my "coach speech" was much the same as the Bronco's coach at the Super Bowl...

So, plan B involved calling DMP back and declaring that there was no way I could do it.  I frantically racked my brain for a solution... Home Teachers? Nope- they were at work. Bishop? He works from home, but did I really want to bug him?  Then, Ta Da! I thought of our Elders (i.e. Missionaries for our Church assigned to our area). 

So, I called the Elders, asked them how strong their stomachs were and asked them to come rescue me.  And they totally did- they scraped up that bad boy, bagged it and threw it in the garbage for me.  Cyndi and Kate (my big sisters) totally think I'm a wuss for calling in the Elders, but c'mon! They love service and now I owe them kolaches.   Plus, it is probably a great story to write home about :)

I think it gives a whole new meaning Elder Nielson's talk "Ask the Missionaries! They Can Help You!"

Funny Kiddos

Bear came in from playing outside in the water for a long time. He showed me his fingers and said "My fingers are all mumbled!" (he meant wrinkly)

Bear squished a bug on the way to the car as we were going to McDonald's for lunch.  As I was strapping him in he says "Bye bye dead bug! You can't come to McDonald's with us! You can't play on the slide!"  Guess he decided to add insult to injury (rim shot!).

Birdy calls corn on the cob "Corn-a-ba-cob"

 EJ was telling us about a school picture she drew.  They were given a letter, and they had to draw a picture that was a puzzle-like hint to what the letter was.  Example: The letter Q and the picture is of a duck, because a duck Quacks. Get it?  So she was telling us that she had the letter A.  We said "What did you draw?"  She replies "A roller coaster".  I thought that surely she meant because people scream "Ahhhh!!" on a roller coaster and was congratulating myself in my head for the intelligence that she surely got from ME.  I said "Oh, that is so clever! Because people scream "Ahhhh" on roller coasters?" She replies, "No, because they are awkward."  Oh.  As a side note, she uses the word "awkward" a lot and I don't think it means what she thinks it means :)

A Conversation with Bear as DMP

One of Bear's favorite things is to pretend he is Daddy or Mommy and that we are Bear.  This is a conversation I just had with Bear who was pretending to DMP. I thought it was funny- especially since father's day is coming up...

Me: "Hi Daddy!  What is your favorite food?
Bear: I like Bars (i.e. nutrigrain bars- he likes them a lot- DMP does not)
Me: What do you do when you go to work?
Bear: I ride trains a lot. I drive, drive, drive my car. Then I go pee pee in the toilet!
Me: That sounds fun, what do you like to do when you come home?
Bear: Play trains
Me: How big are you, Daddy?
Bear: Smaller
Me: How much money do you make?
Bear: (holds up 5 fingers) Five dollars
Me: What do you do when you are sick?
Bear: I get me a cough drop and the sick will go away!

Funny stuff from my kids

EJ (at the dinner table) "I'm really proud about how I can burp my ABC's"

To Birdy, meatballs are "neatballs" and baptise is "Bathtise".

Bear's new favorite movie is "Weck it Welf" and you have to say it that way, instead of "Wreck it Ralph".  His other favorite movie is "Hakuna Matata" a.k.a Lion King, but that is so much easier to say...

We were driving in the car, and suddenly from the back seat Bear says "We shouldn't puke on other people. It isn't nice..."

Bear said to me "You are stinky..." I said "No, I'm not, I'm a beautiful princess."  He thought for a minute and said "I'm a boo-ti-ful dinosaur."

Bear wrapped a blanket around his middle and said "Look, I'm superhero Bear! I will save you!"

Funny Stuff with Bear

Bear's new favorite game is to play "Daddy". He says "I'm Daddy" and we have to call him Daddy all day long. Frequently, I have to be "Bear" and "Daddy" bosses me around.  Funny enough, "Daddy" isn't any nicer or more cooperative than Bear...

Bear came to sit on my lap to get his socks on. He said "This is my beautiful lap!"

I gave Bear a kiss and told him "I love to kiss my boy!"  He then said "I love to kiss MY boy".  I was confused and said- "Who is your boy?" He pointed at me and said "My Boy!".

Bear was pushing his "treasures" around in his toy shopping cart. He left the room and came back. I asked "Did you go shopping?" He said "No, I been to visit Grandma and Grandpa. I got lots of toys!" 

I posted this to facebook, but I'll copy it here. A while ago I asked Bear to get his jacket on so we could go outside. He looked at me and said in a dramatic voice "No! It's too dangerous!"

Even more funny stuff my kids say!

EJ (to Birdy): "Yes, there are still buffalo around. There were buffalo around when the Indians were real, too."

We were walking into the store and Birdy said, "Mom, next year I'm going to ask Santa for a Pocket Pooper" I said "What?!? Describe it to me..." turns out she was talking about a little key chain we saw at Cost Plus that shaped like a cow that poops candy.

We were driving to Sam's Club and Birdy says "Mom, I like Miss Piggy.  She and I are the same... we are both really good fighters!"

Later at Sam's Club, we were walking past the T.V. displays.  Bear passively watched "How To Train Your Dragon" on one screen. The next was some football something and he immediately started hooting, pointing and twisting around to watch.  Apparently it IS something they are born with.
I posted this to facebook, but I want a record here:
Birdy walked into the kitchen and said "Is that the sweet scent of banana bread I smell?"

The Swacket

We were cutting through Dillards on our way to visit Santa, when we came accross this little gem.  There are just so many questions:

1. What the heck is a Swacket? Is it another misfit relation to normal clothes like jeggings and skorts?
2. Who would wear a leather jacket (or swacket) with ugly-Christmas-sweater emboridery all over it?
3. Who the heck would pay $199?!?!?  Seriously? You can't find ANYTHING better to spend your money on?

It's a Mystery...

I picked up the Flip one day to make a video and noticed that video count was way higher than the last time I filmed something. Upon further investigation I discovered about 20 1-7 second videos of the floor, ceiling, and furniture. Who could have done this? These two videos contain my only clues...

Not my kid, but this still cracks me up!

Grandpa let the kids do the trampoline bungee at the Mall in Provo. I was cleaning off the videos from the flip and found this one. This kid cracks me up! (for those who don't know, this is Cyndi's Junior...)

Birdy's Greatest Hit

Wren sings Pat Benatar's classic "Hit Me with Your Best Shot". This video is so stinkin' adorable. She gets really into it when she's performing at home- this is a little subdued because of the camera.

After a long, hard day at work...

DMP just likes to lay down, relax, and watch a little T.V.

P.S. Please note the cat that is rubbing his face in his 5 o'clock shadow whiskers.

Funny Stuff!

I bought a big U.S. Map and put it on the wall in our living room with stickers to show where we live, where Grandma & Grandpa and Papper live, and etc. We also have a movable "Daddy" sticker to show where he is at when he travels so we can learn a little about the states he goes to. EJ was looking at the map as she was getting ready for school. Suddenly she says "Texas isn't lonesome. Look at this state and this state and this one all around it."

I said, "Why would you think Texas is lonesome?"
She replied, "You said it was the "lonesome" state..." (get it, lonesome/lone star?)

Birdy has her own special language sometimes. Here are a few Birdy-words:
Guitar = Buh-guitar
Magnet = Mag-a-nig-it

We were driving one day and I was explaining to Birdy that she and I were going to do "Mommy and Birdy" preschool. She asked why she couldn't go to preschool like in Utah. I replied "Honey, I'm sorry, but preschool here in Texas is more expensive than we thought and we can't do it." EJ pipes up and says "Everything is bigger in Texas."

Speaking of everything being bigger in Texas- For the first couple of days as we were driving around, Birdy kept saying "The houses aren't bigger here" or "The trees aren't bigger here." I think she took us seriously when we said everything was bigger and was pretty disappointed!

Fun with Google Autofill!

I was recently reading this article on Slate magazine about the fun you can have with the Google search box. Google doesn't disclose it's actual algorithms for searches or suggested searches, but it people who know this stuff say that it is pretty likely that the "autofill" options that pop up as you type in your search are based on popular searches based on your region and other things.

So if you start playing with Google and checking out the "autofill" suggestions, you see that it has become an oracle of our times. Want to know the scary thoughts of the rest of humanity? Try doing a few searches (it's FUN!). Here are some that a Co-worker and I did:

Scariest of this bunch? How to be anorexic. Funniest is how to be a ninja and how to become a Vampire. Edward isn't REAL people! Also, check out "How to be funny". Classic.

The next group of fun searches are what the Slate article calls "less intelligent" queries. Like asking "How does one" vs. "How 2". You get some pretty hilarious suggestions on the "less intelligent" searches:

Hmm, a lot of pregnancy, quick money making and illegal activities in that group.

So, go forth and mess with the Google auto-fill. One suggestion? Type in "I am" or "I am scared"

Unless you'd rather not have that view into our collective consciousness. It is a scary place. You should definately read the article- it is pretty funny to (it's here)

One Day This WILL Happen

Guest Post by DMP

One day, someone in an embassy or palace in some third-world corner of the globe really will have control of a huge amount of some nation's sovereign wealth. One day this poor soul will find him/herself fleeing from a violent revolution. As a last desperate attempt to protect said sovereign wealth, this individual will randomly select a complete stranger (probably chosen off of Facebook because he or she has a "kind face" in a profile picture) to email and beg to be allowed access to that stranger's bank account, just to transfer all of that sovereign wealth out of danger.

It won't work of course, and all of the money in question will ultimately fall into the hands of the new dictator.

I'm not telling anyone to start trusting those emails. I'm just saying that one day it will happen, and do you want to be responsible for a huge windfall to a violent dictator?

People Of WalMart

My co-worker shared this site with me. You have to check it out. It is a glorious commentary on our society.
http://peopleofwalmart.com/

Warning: there is some, um... salty language in some of the posts (ironically mostly people are wearing it on their person, though).

Oh- THIS is why I have kids...

Kids are funny- specifically my kids. Here are some recent "gems" from the girls.

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Birdy is a scrappy little thing. Having grown up with bigger "brothers" at Babysitters house, she has learned early on to defend herself by hitting and wrestling (much to our chagrin). Lately, she's toned it down to mostly only threats of violence.

DMP was buckling her into her car seat and she did NOT want to go. She strained at the straps and kicked for a while and then said "I want to bite you!".

Last week in church, she and EJ seemed really into wrestling with each other in sacrament meeting. DMP seperated them and then, during the closing prayer, Birdy decided to try to take the opportunity to jump EJ. DMP restrained her and she said very loudly "I want to kick your butt!". Yep, in the middle of the closing prayer- geesh.

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EJ has learned about resurrection in primary and it makes her view on death very, very rosy. On a recent visit to Babysitter's house, she was telling me that the found a baby cricket on the slip 'n slide. Then she informed me that it died when they turned the water on. Then she said:

"But it's OK Mom, because there is a word that means he'll come back to life." Good to know.

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EJ recently watched an episode of "Reading Rainbow" (yep, it's apparently still around) about slavery. She told DMP "I know my ancestors are dead, but did you know they came accross the ocean in chains! They came on big ships, and were in the dark and didn't have a lot of air to breathe!"

DMP tried to set her straight by telling her that her ancestors did come accross the ocean in big ships, but there weren't any chains. She was very confused and it led to a very interesting conversation about why some people came in chains. Try distilling slavery for a 4.5 yr old!

An appropriate Monday Story...

Lately (like for the last week or so, every other day) Birdy has been commanding me not to go to work. She sweetly grabs my hand and say "No go to work". 

I started out by telling her "But honey, Mommy has to go..." but that quickly turns into a "no", "yes", "no" discussion that ends in tears when I have to leave anyway. 

So I started to try a new tactic. I say "Why don't you want me to go to work?".  She'll reply with something like "Because I luff you" or "Stay and play with my kids" (meaning MY kids, not hers...). 

It breaks my little heart.

George Washington wasn't a very great man...

EJ came home from school yesterday singing this song:

"George Washington wasn't a very great man. Wasn't a very great man...".

DMP and I smiled and asked her if maybe she wasn't singing it right and maybe the song should say "George Washington was a very great man..."  She assured us that no, he wasn't a great man because all the people wanted him to be king, and he said no.

Then she sang the second verse:

"George Wasnington wasn't a very brave man...."

We asked why he wasn't brave and she explained that he didn't stay home when he could have.

I guess it makes sense in four-year-old world- if someone wants you to be king, and you turn it down, you must not be that cool and you should stay home - that is the right thing to do.  The best part is that she is so sure that that is the way to go. History lesson learned, I guess :)

Imagination Friends

I decided not to call Princess Princess here anymore. Takes to long to write and I've never been a big fan. I just picked something we use as a nickname to preserve her identity. So, forthwith, I'll call her EJ- both my readers will get it, I'm sure.

So, EJ (the daughter formerly known as Princess) has many "Imagination Friends" as she calls them. She always has, starting with a puppy - Lady, from Lady and the Tramp.  They always go in and out of vouge- mostly within a day or so.  However, she has a special new friend that has been around for a while and who has developed a personality and identity.

This friend's name is Killme.  I kid you not. When asked how her friend got such an unusual name, EJ replied- One day she came to kill me, and I talked to her and we decided to be friends.  Now, that is only one story- now if you ask her she mostly just shrugs and says that is what her parents named her.

Killme's parents are awesome.  Somehow, they always manage to let Killme do whatever EJ wants to do at the time- as in "Killme's Dad says Killme doesn't have to take a rest".  Or "Killme's Mom is letting her go play in the snow before she eats her oatmeal".  Killme's darn parents are killing me.

Killme also helps EJ remember things- like her part for the primary program coming up.  She'll stall, and try to remember it.  Then, after a quick whispered conversation with Killme, she can do it perfectly.  At least she is good for SOMETHING.

Killme is sometimes joined by Daisy, who is a boy, and baby jaguar, but mostly these days we just deal with Killme.  She sometimes has to be found places to sit- like at the table, in the car and etc. We also have to make sure she has a place to sleep, too (and no, she can't sleep on EJ's bed with her...). 

The best part?  Seeing the perplexed look on stranger's faces as we casually talk about our very dear imagination friend- Killme.

So, we were early for church today...

So, we got up early today (thanks Birdy...) and we spent the morning snuggling in our bed and watching the zoo movie (zoo animals playing to classical music, the girls love it) and eating Halloween candy.  We got all organized- including eating lunch and piled into the car.

DMP and I were congratulating ourselves on getting to church early so we'd get a bench rather than sit in the back.  We walked in to the church and heard another sacrament meeting going on.  There were unfamiliar people in the foyer.  I turned to DMP and said "Is it Daylight Savings time?!?". We figured it must be, but we had to go ask the nice, elderly librarian to figure out if we were 1 hour early, or one hour late for church! 

So we trudged back through the foyer with people smiling at us understandingly.  I feel better, though, because when we arrived home, we saw our neighbors leaving their house all dressed up for church. They had just realized it too (although they didn't actually MAKE it to church!)