The Case For Arranged Marriage. Seriously.

Boy- I wish it were more culturally acceptable to work up an arranged marriage for my girls. Go ahead. I'll wait for you to stop giggling because I'm actually serious.

I have a friend at work, SD (I won't use her full name since I don't have permission) and she is a smart, kind and fun. She is in charge of the code for one of the most sensitive parts of our site and she rocks it. I'm telling you this because I'm happy to, but also so you get a picture of who she is- a smart, independent woman.

SD had an arranged marriage. She is super-nice and understands our American-girl fascination with the topic. She has patiently explained how it works and I'm left kinda wishing we did it here. Here's how it goes (according to SD and I hope I don't get it wrong!)

When a woman is of marrying age (and who knows? probably before) her parents start looking around for a husband for her. There are apparently matchmaking services that you can pay for, or you can do it the "old fashioned way"- friend of a friend. That is how her parents found her husband, he is the son of some friends' friends. Which brings me to what I see as the first advantage: you know who his family is, what they do, their reputation, etc. It is like looking for an employee- it is usually better to get a recommendation rather than a random person.

When a prospect is chosen, the parents approach each other and discuss. Sort of like the parents do the first screening. They also get information on the man- pictures, hobbies, salary, education, likes/dislikes, does he want kids? is he in debt? I'm sure similar info on the woman is also exchanged. Second advantage: all the stuff you may forget to think/talk about in a whirlwind romance is covered- you can know that at least the guy is stable, functioning, and able to support a family.

What happens next is kind of a surprise for me, at least. The potential men are presented to the daughter (and, presumably, the son) and she is allowed to pick who she wants to continue on with. She gets veto power at every step of the way.- which is the 4th advantage.

When she picks someone, the families get together for a party where the prospective couple meets for the first time. Awkward, I know- having all of his family (including sometimes Aunts, Uncles and etc) watching you to see if you "hit it off". In SD's case, she and her now husband got some "alone time" to talk. Again, there is "veto power" all the way through. I think SD actually got to the meeting part with another guy before her husband and decided "no".

After the party, they have the opportunity to tell their parents if they want to go forward with an engagement and marriage. If they both agree (semi-advantage- no face-to-face rejection?) then they get engaged and married. When they are engaged, they hang out like a regular dating couple and get to know each other more. There is love, romance and whatnot and in SD's case, a good marriage to a great guy.

So, as I see it, it has to be at least as good as our American method of randomly meeting and dating your way through a bunch of partners. It seems pretty similar to an online dating service, actually.

The pre-screening by level-headed parents is a nice thing- you can at least be sure that he is able to support a family, you will have nice in-laws that get along with your parents, and that you are compatible. You also know before you fall in love so you don't have to 'put up" with anything rather than break up. The screening happens before you even meet! I'm also of the opinion that it can create a better marriage. I think the couple is going into it not thinking just about romance and sex- they know they are also entering into a partnership.

I think as Americans, we don't like the idea of an arranged marriage because it goes against our "independence" and we don't have the same relationship of respect and trust in our parents as they do in India. I think popular media also doesn't help. As I was preparing to write this, I was trying to think of the things I knew about arranged marriages. All I could come up with was several movies where a medieval bride is sobbing because she is forced to marry someone other than her true love. I think that gives the whole process a bad wrap.

The funny thing about all of this? SD has said that for her kids, they will go the "American" way and allow them to choose their own spouse. She thinks it is so funny that I say I wish that I could arrange a marriage for my girls...