I figured it out...

I get a lot of sympathetic comments when people ask when I'm going back to work. I get it- most of those people are LDS SAHM's who likely view my working as a "have to" and not a "want to"(but, to be honest it's both...). Mostly the comments revolve around "Aren't you so sad to leave the baby?!?"

My answer to that is typically "Not really..." This isn't my first rodeo- I've done this twice before and I've learned that the baby will be just fine. I have always had confidence in my caregivers (DMP, babysitters) and this time he is going to be with his Auntie. That will be great for all of my kids, including Bear. Aunt Cyndi's kids are sweet, creative, fun, and well behaved. My kids are lucky to hang out at her house several days a week.

However, with my "Not really..." response, I still feel a twinge of... something. I am sad to leave the baby, but not because I'm worried about the care he'll get or that I'll miss him too much (I do miss my kids at work, but not distractingly so).

No, it is because I've learned that the end of my maternity leave marks the end of the time when I'm his very favorite person (mostly because I'm the primary food source, but I take what I can get...). It marks the end of the time when I know exactly what he likes, what soothes him, what his nap schedule is and when and what he ate all day.

After I go back to work, it will be DMP or Cyndi that will know those things and I'll be always asking on weekends "What time does he take a nap again? or "Is this normal?" It will be DMP and Cyndi sharing "he likes it when you..."

As for me- I'll be driving them both nuts with my questions of "what did he eat? How much? Did he like it?" When I first went back to work after EJ was born, DMP got really upset with me. "Don't you trust me that I'm feeding her?!?!" It has nothing to do with that- it is more of a way to let me in on some of the silly little details of their day :) Consider this your fair warning Cynj!

Now don't comment and be all sympathetic- I'm OK with this, really. It is all part and parcel with being the "working" parent and not much different than the working Dad's of all those SAHM families. I'm too practical to get hung up on something I can't change much. The fact that he (and the girls, let's not forget them!) are going to be with two of the best caregivers for them I can think of really, really makes it OK. Besides, I'm a fan of them gaining a knowledge that people can love and care for them- not just Mom and Dad.

I get my evenings, weekends and the special middle-of the night feeding times (yes, they are a blessing and a curse!). I'll still get to smoosh his chubby cheeks and make him smile and cuddle and soothe him. He'll still know I'm his mommy and that I'm someone special. In lots of ways, I get the "happy fun time" part of parenting too- I miss a lot of the daily grind and long hours while I'm off earning money and talking to the other adults :)

So the answer to the "Are you sad to go back to work?" is still "Not really", but I recognize now that there is a part of me that is- just a little bit.